I’ve been scared to let anyone see me but today I hope you see right through me.
I’m terrified. I’ve felt my heart thumping in my chest from the moment I felt the Lord nudge me to share. I didn’t want to tell my testimony and share my story. You see, until recently I wasn’t willing to be open and honest about who I am and what I’ve walked through. I’ve been scared to let anyone see me and to know me. Not in the surface way but in the bare it all for His Glory kind of way.
How do I even begin to tackle this topic?
This photo signifies victory to me. The transformation in this picture may not be obvious to you but it is to me because for the first time in years I don’t hate what I see. I’ve struggled with body image since before I hit puberty. The assault against my body has been physical, emotional and spiritual. For years I’ve dodged the mirror dreading what I’d find staring back at me. I’d hide from the camera and untag any and all photos I deemed unflattering.
I was only 13 years old when the battle began. I secretly fought bulimia for 5 years. I overcame the eating disorder at 18 only to trade it in for binging without the purge. I never understood food as fuel. I only knew it as pleasure or punishment. I would tell myself I deserved it, I earned it, it’ll cheer me up and when I was finished I’d feel disgusted with myself. That my friends is called emotional eating. I’d jump on the fitness band wagon only to shortly find myself being drug behind it. I’ve ranged from a size 20 to a size 6 and everywhere in between. I’d yo-yo diet and never feel satisfied.
I finally found Freedom. Not because I’ve discovered self love but rather I discovered the love of the creator and I trust that he doesn’t make mistakes. I choose to respect my body as a temple. I’ve decided to nourish it instead of depriving it or over indulging. I believe that the fight isn’t with my thoughts but with the enemy. We were made in GOD’S IMAGE. Let that sink in. Isn’t that incredible?! The Lord declares we are all perfectly and wonderfully made. I finally decided to believe him.
It’s an intentional, daily choice to believe his thoughts over my own. I am who he says I am. I am forgiven. I am not my past. I am not my flaws. Our worth is not measured by our waist. I’ve made peace with my body and with food. Not because I suddenly love myself or reached some goal weight. No! I am at peace because I know I am worthy of love regardless of what size jeans I wear. I have a healthy relationship with my body because I find my identity in Christ. I am just a vessel. I found victory because I found him.
I feel exposed, embarrassed, and even ashamed, but you know what?! I’m not going to let that keep me from declaring his goodness in my brokenness. I’ve been scared to let anyone see me but today I hope you see right through me. I hope you see him in me. If this helps lead one person to healing and finding the healer it was worth it.